sanjeeve

ptomo · Post by **ptomo** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:02 pm

no racism intended!!!!!!!!!!!!

sanjeeve is in hospital coming round after operation
ghita (sanjeev's wife) are you there my love??

yes sanjeeve i am here!

sanjit my son are you here??

yes father i am here!

ravinda my girl are you here??

yes father i am here!

well who the bloody hell is watchin the shop then??????

mate of mine at work should've been a stand up comedian/impersonator
prop funny bloke!!!

shen · Post by **shen** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:31 pm

proper funny bloke with jokes older than god's dog...

that's a very very old jewish joke. Think I first heard it on a 1950s radio show which a friend made me tapes of and it probably predates that by at least 50 years.

It's called 'you don't have to be jewish...'

classics like

woman: doctor..Doctor!!!.. is anyone here a doctor??!!!

man: Yes madam i'm a doctor...what seems to be the matter?

woman: Oh doctor...Have I got a daughter for you

ptomo · Post by **ptomo** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:21 pm

wasn't even thought of in the 50's bit outta my era so wouldn't know

victor3 · Post by **victor3** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:36 pm

Jewish bloke gets knocked down by a car. Ambulance arrives, covers him in a blanket and puts a pillow under his head.

Paramedic - 'Are you comfortable?'

JB, with an air of self satisfaction - 'Well, I own three shops!!'

shen · Post by **shen** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:53 pm

Another one from the tape which I used to tell to the elderly Jewish ladies I played cards with some years back....had them in stitches...

Jewish boy has to move schools cos of his father's new job.

so his first day at the only school near..a catholic school.. he gets sat next to the only other jewish boy there.

The teacher says 'I'll give 50p to the first person to answer my question correctly'

'Question: Who is the most important person to have lived in the last 2000 years?'

one girl answers winston churchill....

'sorry that's not correct'

another boy says president bush

'sorry that's also incorrect'

the jewish lad puts up his hand and says 'Jesus Christ was Miss'

'That's right' replies the teacher 'here's the 50p'

After class the second jewish boy asks him what the hell are you saying?...Jesus christ?

he replies 'I know i'ts moses and you know it's moses but, Business is business my boy'

ptomo · Post by **ptomo** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:16 pm

gotta write these down lol

Craig · Post by **Craig** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:42 pm

Two young Jewish lads hanging about, checking out the chicks. A real stunner walks past. One lad turns to the other and says "I'd lend her one."

shen · Post by **shen** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:54 pm

Craig wrote:Two young Jewish lads hanging about, checking out the chicks. A real stunner walks past. One lad turns to the other and says "I'd lend her one."

LMAO

best yet

walshy.walsh · Post by **walshy.walsh** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:06 pm

you'll have to bear with me, as im not very good at yokes!

jewish bloke in dire straits prays to the lord,

"please, let my numbers come up tonight"

no numbers

the following week

please, you've got to help me, the kids cant eat and the wife is going to leave! this week, let my numbers come up"

no numbers

yet again the following week

"please lord, you dont understand how bad things are, please please please let my numbers come up"

all of a sudden, the clouds parted

*CRACK* *BANG* and a figure appears from above

"Seamus, meet me half way, BUY A FECKIN TICKET"

ptomo · Post by **ptomo** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:44 pm

drs doing his rounds with trainee nurse as they walk past a room she see's
a nurse masturbating a patient....

trainee asks why she is doing that??

he has a condition where as he's to be masturbated regurally or he gets pains in pelvic area replies the dr.

they carry on down the hall way and in the next room there's a nurse giving patient a BJ....

and here she asks...

dr replies...same condition but he's with bupa

Chin. · Post by **Chin.** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:45 pm

shen wrote:
Craig wrote:Two young Jewish lads hanging about, checking out the chicks. A real stunner walks past. One lad turns to the other and says "I'd lend her one."
LMAO

best yet

x2

requestingaflyby · Post by **requestingaflyby** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:46 pm

paddy pulls over a lorry,
paddy: "driver, ya loosin ya load!!!"
lorry driver: " fck off im gritting!!"

paddy and taffy are driving down a country lane,
they see a sheep with its head stuck in a gate so they pull over,
taffy jumps out, drops his kegs and proceeds to roger the sheeps bumhole, once finished he say to paddy " your turn boyyo!!!!",
paddy drops his pants and sticks his head though the gate!!

ptomo · Post by **ptomo** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:58 pm

requestingaflyby wrote:paddy pulls over a lorry,
paddy: "driver, ya loosin ya load!!!"
lorry driver: " fck off im gritting!!"

paddy and taffy are driving down a country lane,
they see a sheep with its head stuck in a gate so they pull over,
taffy jumps out, drops his kegs and proceeds to roger the sheeps bumhole, once finished he say to paddy " your turn boyyo!!!!",
paddy drops his pants and sticks his head though the gate!!

Aquila · Post by **Aquila** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:22 am

OK, I know I'm going to get flamed for this one, but here goes;

A Jewish bloke's Great Uncle has a massive lottery win, so he goes to visit him to offer his congratulations.
"Come in, come in!" says the old boy, "Mind the paintwork though, we've just been redecorated."
The lad goes into the house and is immediately assaulted by Nazi images, swastikas and pictures of Hitler. Over the door is a banner that reads 'Arbeit Macht Frei, just as the one at the gates of Auschwitz.
The lad stands aghast, eventually croaking "What has happened Uncle? Has all this money robbed you of your senses? What has led you to commemorate this gang of monsters?"
The old boy rolls up his sleeve and says "Who d'ya think gave me the numbers?"

I know, I know it's very, very wrong. But it was told to me by a Jewish mate, so that sorta makes it OK?

:sorry:

xr4x4 · Post by **xr4x4** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:38 am

Aquila wrote:OK, I know I'm going to get flamed for this one, but here goes;

A Jewish bloke's Great Uncle has a massive lottery win, so he goes to visit him to offer his congratulations.
"Come in, come in!" says the old boy, "Mind the paintwork though, we've just been redecorated."
The lad goes into the house and is immediately assaulted by Nazi images, swastikas and pictures of Hitler. Over the door is a banner that reads 'Arbeit Macht Frei, just as the one at the gates of Auschwitz.
The lad stands aghast, eventually croaking "What has happened Uncle? Has all this money robbed you of your senses? What has led you to commemorate this gang of monsters?"
The old boy rolls up his sleeve and says "Who d'ya think gave me the numbers?"

I know, I know it's very, very wrong. But it was told to me by a Jewish mate, so that sorta makes it OK?

dont get it?

Semproxion · Post by **Semproxion** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:35 am

xr4x4 wrote:
Aquila wrote:OK, I know I'm going to get flamed for this one, but here goes;

A Jewish bloke's Great Uncle has a massive lottery win, so he goes to visit him to offer his congratulations.
"Come in, come in!" says the old boy, "Mind the paintwork though, we've just been redecorated."
The lad goes into the house and is immediately assaulted by Nazi images, swastikas and pictures of Hitler. Over the door is a banner that reads 'Arbeit Macht Frei, just as the one at the gates of Auschwitz.
The lad stands aghast, eventually croaking "What has happened Uncle? Has all this money robbed you of your senses? What has led you to commemorate this gang of monsters?"
The old boy rolls up his sleeve and says "Who d'ya think gave me the numbers?"

I know, I know it's very, very wrong. But it was told to me by a Jewish mate, so that sorta makes it OK?

dont get it?

The bloke used his Nazi prison numbers for his lottery ticket

shen · Post by **shen** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:09 am

I like it..prison camps happened but that gives the victim the last laugh

well...kinda, even if he did get all the nazi gear he was still minted

here's an old one...

An African and a jewish fella stood at the bus stop.
The african says 'you know what time the bus is due?'
the Jewish fella replies '5 minutes you black bas**rd'

PJW · Post by **PJW** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:00 am

That first joke was written in mud by torchlight.

victor3 · Post by **victor3** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:40 pm

Walshy's one ... Jewish bloke called Seamus!!

walshy.walsh · Post by **walshy.walsh** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:45 pm

victor3 wrote:Walshy's one ... Jewish bloke called Seamus!!

look, i said i cant tell jokes, and i also dont know any jewish names!

walshy.walsh · Post by **walshy.walsh** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:19 pm

irish family sat around the fire watching a bit of saturday night tv, the father says to his wife

"Bridgette..................BRIDGITTE, close your legs, the K....I....D.....S, can see yer c@nt"

Aquila · Post by **Aquila** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:08 am

Jewish bloke meets his mate on the street. His mate is looking like he has all the cares in the world on his shoulders.
"Why so downhearted Benjamin?" he asks, to which Ben replies " Two months ago my mother-in-law died - we got Â£10,000 from her estate, last month Uncle Heimy died and left me Â£30,000."
"So what's the problem?"
"This month? Not a penny..."

BlueRover · Post by **BlueRover** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:46 am

Old Jews never die, they just fade oi vei........

Alf Garnett on an LP I've got:-

"Is there anyone in the audience of the Jewish persuasion ?"

"Yes. "

"Who persuaded you mate ?"

n.b. LP is a long playing record (for the benefit of the MP3/CD generation).

mach1rob · Post by **mach1rob** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:41 am

BlueRover wrote:Old Jews never die, they just fade oi vei........

Alf Garnett on an LP I've got:-

"Is there anyone in the audience of the Jewish persuasion ?"

"Yes. "

"Who persuaded you mate ?"

n.b. LP is a long playing record (for the benefit of the MP3/CD generation).

78?

MickUK · Post by **MickUK** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:48 am

walshy.walsh wrote:irish family sat around the fire watching a bit of saturday night tv, the father says to his wife

"Bridgette..................BRIDGITTE, close your legs, the K....I....D.....S, can see yer c@nt"

just spat my toast out, funny mode!

shen · Post by **shen** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:53 pm

Aquila wrote:Jewish bloke meets his mate on the street. His mate is looking like he has all the cares in the world on his shoulders.
"Why so downhearted Benjamin?" he asks, to which Ben replies " Two months ago my mother-in-law died - we got Â£10,000 from her estate, last month Uncle Heimy died and left me Â£30,000."
"So what's the problem?"
"This month? Not a penny..."

hehe like the super old jewish joke....

Harvey is having lunch with his friend Melvyn and looks really upset...

Harvey asks 'What's wrong?'

Melvin replies 'I'm really worried, I owe the landlord 2 months rent'

'So what's to worry about?' says Harvey 'You owe him the money...let him worry about it!'

bigboykarl · Post by **bigboykarl** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 9:41 pm

a vicar a preist and a rabbi are arguing how much money to give to god they argue all day and can't decide....the vicar comes up with a plan he says we'll draw a big circle on the ground chuck all the money in the air what ever lands in the circle we give to god ....the preist says no whatever lands outside the circle we give to god.....the rabbi says we chuck it in the air wharever god wants he catches.....

i know i know....rubbish...i'll get me coat

Aquila · Post by **Aquila** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:03 am

A Rabbi and a Priest are on a short-haul flight together. Suddenly the plane's engines lose power and it starts to lose height. The Priest sees the Rabbi make the sign of the Cross.
The aircrew manage to fix the problem and the plane regains height.
The Priest nudges the Rabbi and says" I saw you...at the moment of greatest need, you made the sign of the True Faith"
"What sign" asks the Rabbi,
"You signed 'In Nomine Patri, Filii and Spiritus Sancti - I saw you do it!"
The Rabbi replies "Oh that! You lot stole it from us. I was checking that I was properly dressed to meet my Maker - Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, Cigars..!"

Scott · Post by **Scott** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:22 am

bigboykarl wrote:a vicar a preist and a rabbi are arguing how much money to give to god they argue all day and can't decide....the vicar comes up with a plan he says we'll draw a big circle on the ground chuck all the money in the air what ever lands in the circle we give to god ....the preist says no whatever lands outside the circle we give to god.....the rabbi says we chuck it in the air wharever god wants he catches.....

i know i know....rubbish...i'll get me coat

im sure i heard that on short circuit (the film) about 20 years ago...

xr4x4 · Post by **xr4x4** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:48 am

Scott wrote:
bigboykarl wrote:a vicar a preist and a rabbi are arguing how much money to give to god they argue all day and can't decide....the vicar comes up with a plan he says we'll draw a big circle on the ground chuck all the money in the air what ever lands in the circle we give to god ....the preist says no whatever lands outside the circle we give to god.....the rabbi says we chuck it in the air wharever god wants he catches.....

i know i know....rubbish...i'll get me coat
im sure i heard that on short circuit (the film) about 20 years ago...

yup.. im pretty sure thats true too...

shen · Post by **shen** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 10:57 am

Benjamin was ill in hospital..

'Sadie are you there? Sadie'

'I'm here my love' replies Sadie his wife...

'Sadie, you're always by my side' he smiles 'In 1931 when we left germany you were by my side'

'yes love' she replies

'In 1940 when we got taken to concentration camps you were by my side'

'I remember my dear' she says

'and in 1951 when we opened the business you were there with me...'

'and in 1960 when the business went bust...you were by my side'

'In 1968 when I almost died of peritonitis, you were still by my side my love'

' and now you're still here Sadie, always by my side'

'You've been nothing but bad luck since we met, can't you just F*** OFF?!'

requestingaflyby · Post by **requestingaflyby** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:13 pm

a nun is sat on a train,
directly in front is a chavvy thug eating prawns,
the thug gets bored and starts throwing prawns at the nun,
getting really annoyed by this the nun jumps up and pulls the emergency stop,
as the train shudders to a halt the chav says laughing " ha ha, now your gonna get a Â£50 fine!!"
the nun replies" i don't mind, cos when the come for me i'll tell them to sniff your fingers and you'll get 3 years!"

Aquila · Post by **Aquila** » Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:44 am

requestingaflyby wrote:a nun is sat on a train,
directly in front is a chavvy thug eating prawns,
the thug gets bored and starts throwing prawns at the nun,
getting really annoyed by this the nun jumps up and pulls the emergency stop,
as the train shudders to a halt the chav says laughing " ha ha, now your gonna get a Â£50 fine!!"
the nun replies" i don't mind, cos when the come for me i'll tell them to sniff your fingers and you'll get 3 years!"

PMSL - You naughty, sick person...